Geez man, take it easy.
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*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
This is sending me to another galaxy
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”