Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
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Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
shut up and take my money
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.