If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
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[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
starting a garage orchestra
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
yea so i messed up lol
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”