Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
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My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Krampus.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information