I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
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You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.