Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
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When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS