you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
You Might Also Like
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Pretty much! 😂👀
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
three things we don’t talk about
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.