Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
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According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Safety first
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Netflix and scream at our children?!
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach