Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
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Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Not even remotely sorry.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.