superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
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Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Bros before Ohioes
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
New favorite tiktok
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.