Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
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We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
hackers play passwordle
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month