If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
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The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
My Guy
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.