Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
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women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.