Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
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Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”