QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
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Never forget.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.