For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
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[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.