*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
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Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man