figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
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Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?