Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
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Never ghost your hitman.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
What do you hear?
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.