[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
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HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Simple enough.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Time for evil
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps