When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
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“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
so this horse walks into a bar