[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
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Who’s your best friend?
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
oh u like history? name everything that happened
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.