WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
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My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.