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I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
inside you are two wolves
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th