You Might Also Like
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
FRED: right
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*