I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
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Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
why I oughta
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.