If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
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My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Batman v Dracula
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?