If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
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The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
when you order from DoorDastardly
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.