“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
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If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.