Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
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pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC