Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
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Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support