[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
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Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Every house has this drawer
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.