Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
You Might Also Like
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Pringles
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake