This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
You Might Also Like
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I’d … I’d rather not.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Breaking news:
Thanks to a fan for this one.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there