Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
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Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born