Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
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Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.