Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
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FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
sin harder.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!