Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
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[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.