I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
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If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
yall want some gasoline milk
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again