if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
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Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Breaking news:
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
How software testing works
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.