Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
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Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.