I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
You Might Also Like
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*