Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
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My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.