ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
You Might Also Like
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
CUTE CAT‼︎
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up