To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
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You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent