Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
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Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
So that’s what we looked like?
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
shut up and take my money
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.