Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
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Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Catering service
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
The two types of wives
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
The struggle is real
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on