Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
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Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.