[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
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Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
If only.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.