taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
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A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss: